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Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!