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If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

The truth is more important than the facts.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

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Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.