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Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

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You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

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Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.